We can teach our sons (& daughters) that NO means NO. We can teach respect for everyone around us. We can teach prevention, encourage safe behavior, refrain from sexist remarks and provide resources for continued education. But until our society, and societies worldwide, can end this violence, this form of dominance, this cruelty, this tragedy…
When I first wrote Bartlett’s Rule it had not been my intention to start a campaign – I wrote about a woman who survived a rape and she continued to live – she even fell in love. After all, I did write a romance novel with the requisite happily ever after. The journey though that Paige Andrews and Lon Bartlett take towards their HEA is fraught with turmoil and eventually growth. While a victim can survive, and Paige calls herself a survivor, rape does change your life. The reader experiences some of the shame Paige has felt even though she has learned that what happened to her was NOT her fault. Lon has to change his ways when he fears that his own sexist behavior might have inspired the kind of attitudes that are used as excuses to victimize women.
While I didn’t try to stand on a soapbox, I have been extremely honored to learn that several book clubs have used Bartlett’s Rule for discussion because of the sensitive topic. I have even been told there are a few women’s shelters who have added my book to their lending libraries. It is a topic that needs to be discussed and my publisher has thoughtfully helped me put together a “discussion packet” to help groups begin –
Discussion Starters for Bartlett’s Rule by Chelle Cordero
1. How does Bartlett’s Rule explore the two distinct personalities of the main characters?
2. Discuss how the different personalities emerge in the beginning of the novel. Do these personalities stay constant?
3. How much do you think society’s expectations influenced Lon towards building his reputation as a player?
4. What pressures does society place on men in relationships? How different are those pressures now in 2008 as opposed to, let’s say, the 1950’s?
5. Lon admits he has to rethink his view of rape when he learns that Paige was raped by an ex-lover and not a stranger with a weapon. Discuss different concepts of what is rape, what is sexual abuse?
6. Have a discussion about Paige’s emotional scars and the trust she felt was betrayed. Should Paige “just get over it”? How realistic are some of her reactions? Was Paige allowing herself to move ahead? Discuss Lon’s support of her.
7. Hal attempts to blame people like Lon for the way he treated Paige. How does TV/music/movies/novels affect actions and at what point is the individual responsible for his/her own actions? For example, courtroom dramas like to blame the influence of TV, etc. for today’s violence.
8. Some TV/radio/print personalities enjoy an almost cult following and are considered “experts” in their various fields. Discuss some of these self-proclaimed “experts”: Dr. Ruth, Oprah, Dr. Phil, Geraldo, etc. Do these ‘stars’ sensationalize rape? How so?
9. How do you think you would feel if your private life, particularly romance, was scrutinized by the paparazzi? How much does a public figure owe to the public and fans in terms of privacy? How much does the media have the right to report?
In the back of Bartlett’s Rule, readers will find a list of resources and suggestions for recovery:
Emotional First Aid for Survivors
1) Anything and everything you experience is normal. Your reactions, feelings and experiences are all valid, you are not going crazy. You have the right to express your feelings in any way you want or need.
2) The rape was not your fault. You are not responsible for what happened to you in any way. You have nothing to be ashamed about.
3) It’s time you take care of yourself. You definitely deserve it. You are a valuable person and deserve the best life has to offer. You need to come first, so do whatever makes you feel better.
4) No matter what anyone says, you are a good, strong woman.
5) Other people may hurt or disappoint you. They do not understand how you feel. Disregard anything hurtful.
6) You are not dirty or used or damaged.
7) You are safe, the rape is over.
8) You are not alone. There are people ready and willing to help (friends, family, social workers, women’s shelters and other resources are always readily available to you.).
9) Hang in there. It may become difficult at times, but you will survive. You already have survived the worst.
10) YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Place the blame where it belongs. And, remember: You are a good, strong, beautiful, wonderful person.
(Source: YWCA: Richmond, VA)
National Women’s Health Information Center
Pandora’s Aquarium
Surviving the Memories
Escaping Hades
Safe Horizon
Be safe.
Hugs,
Chelle
Welcome to Lindsay's Romantics, where we post on all kinds of romance topics.
7 comments:
Thanks for this post, Chelle. It is a such vital issue.
Chelle, it is a vital issue. And thank you for bringing more awareness to all of us.
Personally, and this is ONLY my opinion, which I can state because I went through a similar situation as your heroine, I think girls/women should be encouraged to learn ways to protect themselves by learning a martial art, psychological techniques and how to use weapons.
Unfortunately, our society has become so averse to standing up for ourselves and each other in the ways that truly work and have worked in the past, this kind of reprehensible behavior will merely continue.
While self-defence courses are certainly worthwhile, and prevention should always be enforced, victims should never feel that they "didn't do enough" or "didn't say no loud enough".
BTW, as I said earlier in my post, men can also be victims and my novel Courage of the Heart actually involves a male survivor. He actually admits to feeling "inadequate because there was nothing he could do to stop it."
Chelle, I certainly didn't mean to suggest those particular strategies are the only answer. I certainly don't think the person, male or female, should feel guilty because of what was perpetrated against them. In fact, if my attacker hadn't been so pathetic and psychologically damaged, I would have felt like doing him in... which, I have no problem with.
In Bartlett's Rule, Paige had trusted her rapist and when she realized that he did intend to hurt her he had already gotten the upper hand - so she was convinced that it was her fault that she hadn't been more successful in fighting him off.
Last year one of the major mags ran an article about "grey rape" and caused a huge flurry of accusationsd on both sides - one of the lines, "said NO too softly" was especially inciteful in a lot of arguments.
That is why I always stress that it is NEVER the victim's fault no matter how much or little they do to thwart the attack.
I am glad to hear the strength in your words "what was perpetrated against them" - too often self-blame and loathing results in self-destructive acts and further tragedy.
Chelle, you are so right about that!
Excellent post, Chelle, and I'm glad your book is being used to help women and raise awareness.
My WIP involves a young rape victim also and it gets hard to write. Did you have to take steps back now and then to pull yourself out of it?
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